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The perfect seafood can still taste like crap

There are lots of new, certification-decorated seafood products in the market these days, but too many overlook the most important aspect of success.

It’s new product season. Already we’ve had the best of Alaska showcased at the Alaska Symphony of Seafood, and this spring a bevy of new seafood items will be introduced at the Boston and Brussels seafood shows.

With this in mind, I took some time off from my regular job to create the ultimate seafood product. Let me tell you about it.

First of all, it is sustainable and carries the eco-labels from the ASC, BAP, MSC (because my wild-fish feed source is from a sustainable fishery) GlobalGAP, Friend of the Sea and a couple more I can’t even recall at the moment.

My product's package looks like the uniform regalia of a five-star military general.

My product is organic, gluten-free, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, fair trade compliant, gender-neutral, low fat, low sugar, high in omega-3s, low in sodium, hand-crafted, artisanal and fully traceable.

My packaging is biodegrable and does not contain any plastic. You can microwave my fish or cook it in the oven, either way it is a time-starved consumer’s dream to prepare.

My product is certified healthy by American Heart Association, The Diabetes Foundation and fitness professionals, including Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The recipes used to make my value-added product were developed by today’s hottest celebrity chefs.

And you won’t have any trouble finding my products. I have teamed with every distributor in the book to get my product in Walmart, Costco, Tesco, Metro -- all the big retailers. Amazon just took on the product, as did several of the meal-delivery companies. And it will be served at the upcoming Olympics.

A percentage of proceeds from the sale of my product go to supporting fishing and fish farming communities around the world.

Let’s see, is that everything? Sustainable, healthy, free of all the bad stuff, easy to fix, touched by a celebrity chef, available everywhere, no child labor, pristine water, dolphin-friendly -- yup, I think that is it.

Seems like I am forgetting something … oh yeah, the taste.

Well, frankly, it tastes like crap, but with all its bells and whistles consumers will sure want it, right?

Send comments to john.fiorillo@intrafish.com.